Summer Clean Up

Wow, has it really been almost two months since I posted?  That’s crazy!  Time flies.  So here’s the skinny.  I have been off the grid for a while setting up and planning for my fantasy football draft.  What’s that you say?  Two f**king months for stupid ass fantasy football?  You don’t get it.  That’s fine.  But yes.  Two months.  Also I’ve been incredibly lazy.  I could blame it on other stuff.  Have I been doing super fun stuff?  No not really.  Just lazy.

So let’s get caught up on what I’ve been doing.  Have I seen any good movies?  Depends on what you call good.  On DVD, I swore I was going to clean up my Netflix Queue.  Didn’t happen.  I saw The World’s End.  That was pretty good.  I didn’t like it as much as I liked Shaun of the Dead or Hot Fuzz.  But still pretty good.

I saw the Carrie remake.  I had been wanting to see this since it came out, but never got around to it.  Carrie was much better than I thought it would be.  I am big fan of Chloe Grace Moretz.  Well, I am a fan.  I’m too old to be a big fan.  She was awesome on 30 Rock, and in Kick Ass.  Kick Ass 2 was such a horrible let down, I don’t even remember if she was good or not.  I was just glad it was over and I could stop watching it.  However, I am not too old to be a big fan of Judy Greer.  I am all about Judy Greer.  She has a nice part in Carrie, but for me, every second she’s on screen it’s pure gold.

Also, I saw Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.  Um.  Moving on.

Nothing in the theaters.  I just realized that.  Wow, that makes me sad.  Hopefully next week I will go see Guardians of the Galaxy and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Then on the 19th I have a date with my niece to go see As Above, So Below.

So a couple weeks ago, Phil and I went to a poker game/whiskey tasting party at the home of our friend Jeff.  You may remember Jeff from the Brew Fest post I wrote a couple months ago.  It was for Jeff’s birthday.  He loves whiskey.  Phil and I do not.  But we took a shot, and then went back to beer.  We had cigars, played some cards and had a good time.  Jeff is also in our fantasy football league and is our defending champion.  He beat me in our super bowl, and it wasn’t particularly close.

Phil, Me, Jeff

Phil, Me, Jeff

Last night, I was visiting some of my wife’s family that was up from Los Angeles.  My wife’s cousins husband went on a beer hunt for a local beer that is a bit like an alien contact story.  When someone tells you they had one, you roll your eyes and don’t believe them, because no one has really ever seen one.  I’m not sure how popular this beer is elsewhere, but here in Northern California, it’s the Holy Grail of beers.  You have to follow bars on Facebook just to learn when this beer is on tap and if you aren’t there within an hour or two, you’re shit out of luck.  And no place ever has bottles of it.  Ever.  The beer is called Pliny the Elder.  I think I’ve mentioned it before, as it is Phil’s favorite beer.  I’ve tried to get him some every year on his birthday, because that’s how amazing a friend I am.  I doubt Phil’s other friends even remember his birthday.  (I’ve met some of his other friends).  But I can never find it.

Pliny the Elder

Pliny the Elder

A very happy Eric

A very happy Eric

ANYWAY, this guy finds it a random liquor store down the street.  I don’t like super hoppy beers normally, which this is.  But I will say this.  If you can ever get your hands on some of this, do it.  I loved this beer and I get why it’s Phil’s favorite.  Damn was it good.  I cannot oversell it enough.  Whatever you’re doing, see if someone in your area sells this beer.  Next Sunday I will be in the area again without the family.  I am going to see if I can find whatever rabbit hole he went down and get some for myself.  If Phil is nice at our draft, I’ll get him a bottle.

As I said originally, I’ve been spending most of my time getting ready for our fantasy draft that is this upcoming Saturday.  I can’t believe its actually here.  (If you hate fantasy football, you can skip ahead).  We have a keeper league.  Phil kept Lesean McCoy (round 1), Jimmy Graham (2) and Zack Stacey (11).  I kept Matt Stafford (4), Percy Harvin (5) and Fred Jackson (9).  I think I am ready.  I hope I am ready.  I swear every year I start earlier and earlier trying to prepare.  Every year by the end of the season I am so exhausted from all of it, I swear I am never even going to play again.  Then I take 2-3 months off, and I start all over again.  So wish me luck!  There a couple of guys who share a team.  My buddy Greg, who I’ve been friends with since I was 7, is too damn cheap to pay for the league himself, so he conned our friend Patrick to pay for half of it.  Even though Patrick lived in North Carolina until about a year ago.  Now he lives in Portland.  He is like a silent owner.  He never comes to the draft, he knows nothing.  All he does is pay and never sees a return on his investment.  Here is a picture of them sharing an ice cream cone.

Greg and Pat

Greg and Pat

Fantasy Football: Rebuttal

Yesterday, Eric trumpeted his (thus far) successful fantasy football campaign, while noting my team’s disappointing results. Numbers don’t lie, and by all accounts this was one of my worst fantasy seasons in the 8 years I’ve been in the league. (In case you were wondering, 2009’s Team Stimulus Package is by far my worst showing with a 3-11 record; meaning that my team was about as successful as its namesake was in reviving the economy. Buh-zing!) However, Eric left out one crucial, little detail in his recap of the 2013 fantasy football campaign: he drafted my team! That’s right folks, I entrusted Eric with the most important day of the fantasy football season because I was out of the country, and this is how he repaid that show of faith. (Sidenote: when it comes to asking your friend to do you a solid and look out for your best interest, this is probably in the top three of all time requests; right up there with asking your buddy to give your drunk, hot girlfriend a ride home or asking a friend to be your kid’s godfather. That’s how important the fantasy draft is.)

I’d also just like to point out that Eric was right before me in the draft order. Now, I’m not sayin’ that having his picks right before mine in a snake-style draft (meaning half of my picks were before his) would in any way influence his decisions about who he drafted for me…I’m just sayin’. It’s important to have all the information out on the table. Given all of this, however, I think the only conclusion that a “reasonable” person can come to is that my 9 losses were completely Eric’s fault.

When you consider the team that Eric drafted for me, which included the likes of–wait for it–Ronnie Hillman (7th round, really Eric?), Cecil Shorts, Lance “I wish I got thrown to” Moore, Josh Freeman (does he even play in the NFL anymore?), and Ryan “I’m not Calvin Johnson” Boyles, it’s a wonder I was able to get any wins at all. Any success my team had was strictly the result of savvy waiver wire pickups and my guile as a manager. Alas, however, no matter how much lipstick I slapped on this pig, I couldn’t turn it into a prom queen.

So there you have it. Lesson learned. Add “letting someone else in the same league as you draft your team” to the long list of classic fantasy football blunders. It probably belongs somewhere between “starting Peyton Manning when he’s playing in New England” and “drafting Darren McFadden in the first five rounds.”

As for you, Eric, I hope you win it all (I mean, after 10+ years of running this league, you’re probably due one championship, right?) Just know that I’m gonna spend the off-season preparing… planning… waiting. Cape Fear style:

Fantasy Football

So Phil and I have talked a little about our league this year.  Not much since the draft.  Just a lot about how Phil hates Tom Brady.  Totally rational hate.  I hate Brady as well.  I’m a Raider fan.  The Tuck Rule game will haunt me till the day I die.

Well, our regular season is over, and Phil…didn’t do so well.  Ended up with the 2nd worst record in the league at 5-9.  However, he was the 4th highest scoring team in a 12 team league.  So that’s not bad.  He got screwed by the schedule.  He was also the 4th highest score against.  He will be set up nicely for next year if he does what I say with his keepers.  I beat him both times we played this year.  Which gives me the edge 6-2 all time.  Yeah we keep stats in our league.  Every stat you can think of.

Today was week 1 of our playoffs.  I made the playoffs at 9-5.  The 2nd seed.  The 1st seed ended up 12-1-1.  He was the highest scoring team in our leagues history.  I went up against the 3rd highest scoring team in league history.  Very daunting.  The only reason I made the playoffs is because I had the lowest score against.  Thank you schedule maker!  (That’s our friend Ryan).

As of right now, im down 114.8-105.5.  I have my favorite player, Matt Stafford going tomorrow night.  He has been on my team 3 straight years, and spoiler alert, I’m keeping him next year.  Based on our scoring, I need 130 yards passing and a touchdown for the win.  Should be okay.  But I’m not getting excited till I see it.  Stranger things have happened.  Keep your fingers crossed.

My Tom Brady Fantasy Football Experience Explained in Two GIFs

Through Week 8, Tom Brady had been a monumental disappointment; his sub-par performances having single-handedly cost me at least a couple fantasy football match-ups.

Screw you Tom Brady.

http://images.ftw.usatoday.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/brady.gif

So I benched him in favor of Alex Smith… and he went off for 432 yards and four TDs.

http://usatthebiglead.files.wordpress.com/2013/08/creepy-brady.gif

Screw you Tom Brady.

Fantasy Football

I understand that no one gives a crap about fantasy football except for those involved in the league.  But this is my blog, and I want to blog about fantasy football, so here we are.  Phil and I are in a league together with 10 of our buddies.  This league has been around now for 11 years.  Our draft is Saturday.  The draft date has been set since February.  As has been stated on here a couple times, Phil left for the Camino De Santiago yesterday.  Planning a trip like this, while knowing the date of your fantasy draft?  I can only come to the conclusion that Phil is a big ol’ bag of dicks.  Because now I have to draft for him.  Thanks a lot, jerk.

Our league is a keeper league.  Phil has kept Lesean McCoy and Steven Ridley.  I kept Ray Rice, Percy Harvin and the Seahawks defense.  Yeah, I know Harvin is going to miss at least half the season and probably more.  But I traded for him before then, and was kind of stuck with him.  I couldn’t throw him back.

Phil is the only player in our league to make the playoffs each of the last two seasons.  Which goes to show that fantasy football is a total crapshoot.  Because he is notorious for going .500 every single year.  I however haven’t made the playoffs since 2009.  I couldn’t believe it.  Throughout the season, I will throw up the occasional update on how our teams are doing.  We are in the same division, which means we will play each other twice.  In fact, we play each other week 1 and week 13 (the second to last week of our season).  I will be sure to post the details of how easily I destroy him on the way to my first title.

I am the only one of the original five members of the league who has never won the title.  But I have the 2nd best record in the history of our league.  Which I am told by everyone that means nothing.  This is my year, I know it.  Sucks to be Phil.  I am winning at his expense.