Mortdecai

Last weekend, the wife and I decided to check out this new theater in town.  It’s one of those fancy theaters with a bar and restaurant in the theater.  So you get to eat dinner and drink while you watch the movie.  So we head over with the intention of seeing American Sniper.  The problem with American Sniper is I had not heard the story of what happens.  When I told the story of where we were going to my dad, he explained how he thought the end of the story was really crazy.  Because he assumed everyone had known how the movie ended.  Thanks dad!!  Well, when we get there, since the theater is basically a month old, of course the movie is sold out.  Our choices were Mortdecai and Paddington.  As I said to my wife on the way home, we should have seen Paddington.  I was trying to think of the best way to explain how bad this movie is.  And I think I’ve nailed it.  If they asked me for a quote for the DVD cover, this would be it:

Mortdecai is SO bad, it makes me never want to see a movie ever again.

Now I bet you’re thinking, no movie is that bad.  And I know you didn’t see it, because the movie has only made $15 million or so.  No one has seen this movie.  But let me try and help you out.  Johnny Depp is Mortdecai.  He is an art dealer who is asked to look into a heist.  After that, I kinda faded in and out.  But it tries to be a little Austin Powers, in that it really wants to be a British spy caper movie.  And it also wants to be a little Green Hornet.  The title character is a bumbling moron who has an assistant who saves his ass over and over and over.  So, let’s say that The Spy who Shagged Me is a solid 7-8 of a movie.  By far the best of the Austin Powers films.  Which would put the Green Hornet at a 2-3?  It wasn’t great.  Mortdecai is a definite negative infinity.  It is one of the five worst movies I have ever seen.  I don’t know what else goes in there.  Gerry for sure.  Under the Skin.  And this is right with those pieces of garbage.

If you were considering seeing the movie, I hope I have deterred you.  If not, well that’s your own damn fault.

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