Under the Skin (2013)

Here is my timeline of watching Under the Skin:

10 minutes into the movie – I said “Oh my God.”  Out loud.  To no one, as I was all by myself.  It was not an oh my God, this movie is amazing already.  It was oh my God, what the hell have I gotten myself into?

20 minutes into the movie – I almost turned it off.  Why so soon?  Well, since there hadn’t been a word spoken yet, I figured I wouldn’t be missing anything if I stopped it at this point.  But I have to finish movies.  I have to see how they end.  There have only been two movies that I didn’t finish.  The first was Going Overboard with Adam Sandler.  This one I don’t think I made it 10 minutes into.  The second was Ratatouille.  Why the hell does everyone love Ratatouille?  It blows.

1 hour in – I started reading reviews to find out what I was missing.  Also to stop myself from falling asleep.  There are real life people who actually enjoy this movie.  For reasons other than Scarlett Johansson is in it.  Those people are lying to themselves, are total douches or both.

Johansson plays an alien who seduces men in Scotland and leads them to their death in her apartments watery grave.  She walks on, and the men disappear into the abyss below.  I really wish I could give you more to the plot than that, but there isn’t anything more to the plot than that.

The worst movie I had ever seen, and swore I would ever see was this movie Gerry.  It stars Casey Affleck (not The Batfleck that I love so much) and Matt Damon.  There are parts of the movie where you can fast forward for 10-15 minutes without missing anything because it’s just the two of them walking.  Seriously.  Don’t believe me?  Go ahead.  Watch it.  I dare you.  I described Under the Skin to my two friends who had seen Gerry as “a movie for people who thought Gerry had too much dialogue and was too action packed.”  That joke is pure gold to the 10 people who have seen both of these films.

The reviews online by people who claim it’s full of symbolism and all this crap, are full of sh*t.  I’m sorry, maybe I just don’t get it.  Okay, there’s no maybe about it.  But I discussed the movie with my friend Mike, who was my former editor over at http://www.dvdfile.com (RIP. The site, not Mike.  He is still very much alive.  Or he was on Wednesday).  He is the most artsy movie loving guy I know.  And even HE fast forwarded through 90% of Under the Skin.  Although, he did yell at me for forgetting that we discussed how much he hated this movie at our fantasy football draft.  Excuse me, Mr. Sensitive.  I was a little f**king busy that night!

The reason I wanted to see it was because I heard the Scots they used were real people they picked up on the street and had improvisational conversations with.  The concept was cool.  The execution was horrendous.   If you’re interested in a being from another planet who likes sex, I have a better suggestion for you.  Go rent My Stepmother is an Alien.  It’s a little dated, and to be honest I haven’t seen it in…20 years?  I’m sure it holds up, and I guarantee it’s better than this piece of garbage that I forced myself to sit through.

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