Yesterday, Eric trumpeted his (thus far) successful fantasy football campaign, while noting my team’s disappointing results. Numbers don’t lie, and by all accounts this was one of my worst fantasy seasons in the 8 years I’ve been in the league. (In case you were wondering, 2009’s Team Stimulus Package is by far my worst showing with a 3-11 record; meaning that my team was about as successful as its namesake was in reviving the economy. Buh-zing!) However, Eric left out one crucial, little detail in his recap of the 2013 fantasy football campaign: he drafted my team! That’s right folks, I entrusted Eric with the most important day of the fantasy football season because I was out of the country, and this is how he repaid that show of faith. (Sidenote: when it comes to asking your friend to do you a solid and look out for your best interest, this is probably in the top three of all time requests; right up there with asking your buddy to give your drunk, hot girlfriend a ride home or asking a friend to be your kid’s godfather. That’s how important the fantasy draft is.)
I’d also just like to point out that Eric was right before me in the draft order. Now, I’m not sayin’ that having his picks right before mine in a snake-style draft (meaning half of my picks were before his) would in any way influence his decisions about who he drafted for me…I’m just sayin’. It’s important to have all the information out on the table. Given all of this, however, I think the only conclusion that a “reasonable” person can come to is that my 9 losses were completely Eric’s fault.
When you consider the team that Eric drafted for me, which included the likes of–wait for it–Ronnie Hillman (7th round, really Eric?), Cecil Shorts, Lance “I wish I got thrown to” Moore, Josh Freeman (does he even play in the NFL anymore?), and Ryan “I’m not Calvin Johnson” Boyles, it’s a wonder I was able to get any wins at all. Any success my team had was strictly the result of savvy waiver wire pickups and my guile as a manager. Alas, however, no matter how much lipstick I slapped on this pig, I couldn’t turn it into a prom queen.
So there you have it. Lesson learned. Add “letting someone else in the same league as you draft your team” to the long list of classic fantasy football blunders. It probably belongs somewhere between “starting Peyton Manning when he’s playing in New England” and “drafting Darren McFadden
in the first five rounds.”
As for you, Eric, I hope you win it all (I mean, after 10+ years of running this league, you’re probably due one championship, right?) Just know that I’m gonna spend the off-season preparing… planning… waiting. Cape Fear style: